November
It's been a strange year for me. I had a really significant change of circumstances. I left my job and my flat for a long while and then have come back to find myself in a similar place to before I left. I live close to where I used to live, I work somewhere different, same pay, same job title with a slightly longer commute and slightly less nice environment.
I guess one of the big differences is that I've fallen in love with someone new, I get excited to see her, I want to spend long hours together and have allowed myself, despite my best efforts to properly open myself up. It's amazing and pretty unexpected.
I had told friends that not just a relationship but even just sex and dating was not on the cards, I called it "Monk Mode", otherwise known as being locked in long term which I've completely failed at. Politics guides my life and my politics, as hippy as it sounds is based entirely around love. It may not seem that way with how aggressive and edgy it often seems but I really believe that love is the ethic that we need to follow beyond anything else.
How do I square the commitments required of someone dedicated to that lifelong political mission with the dedication required to truly and deeply love someone. Ultimately I think I'm in a situation where I'm lucky enough to have met someone who is on the same wavelength and really gets it, if anything I feel more motivated and encouraged to commit even more of myself knowing I have someone in my corner and who I'm just as ready to support when she needs it.
In a weird way, everything is great. I'm in a new relationship, new job, new flat and the same old London. I have some health troubles but hopefully nothing major.
I was just walking with the previously mentioned new love and it was a gorgeous autumn day, all the cliches and perfect details, falling auburn leaves and the type of cool, slow moving blue sky criss-crossed with plane trails and the faded wintry clouds that you normally don't get until it's much colder in December or January.
For some reason out of the greyish blue I was hit with a breezy sadness, those strange moments you suddenly get hit with where you feel you need to consider everything in your life with intense reflection and don't know how all your rippling experiences connect into some larger body but they do, adn you feel like it's all too complicated for you to deal with.
I told her I suddenly felt sad and reflective and being lovely and kind she obviously listened as I spoke and offered support, I really can't complain at all with her. I still remained in a sort of deep swaying moodiness throughout the rest of the day and into today as I keep sitting and thinking about it all.
This time of year is good for reflection, soon we'll get the burning orange and purples of British winter sunsets over leafless trees that I will need to make sure I venture into the countryside to see and feel them like I remember them from childhood, cold and completely silent except for my visible breath reminding me I'm still here.
I don't know how I'll feel come Christmas and the end of the year. I'm excited to have a bit of money in my pocket to spend with the new person, take her out somewhere nice and be sweetheart. I need to settle into the routine of work again. It's been a long time since I worked day in day out and as I am now I feel like a kicked dog as I ride home on cramped buses after earning my £14 an hour.
I need to think long term, don't get caught out staring at my own shadow and make sure I really enjoy just how lucky I am in the spot I'm now in. Not a lot of people find the love and simple, deep reaching happiness I've felt lately.